Author's note: I debated wether or not to write this next chapter. For one parts of this story put me in a bad light. Secondly it's extremely personal and well it's a low point in my life. And while I don't like to think about that part, I've taken the journey this far so I will ride it out as any good author does. This has been an interesting ride. while this ride's end has been written for awhile, I guess writing about it lets me look back on the good times and learn from the bad.
FREE FALL
"Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn't I a King? But if only I'd known.... how the king would fall. Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all. I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss ... THE DANCE." Those song lyrics from Garth Brooks is how the last story, THE DANCE , ended and the words were never more true.
After the dance I went home. I sure didn't want to, but I had little choice. It had been the perfect time. If it was a movie we were right on cue for happy ending. If it was a fairy tale, the narrator just needed to say, "...and they lived happily ever after." But alas, this was real life. And fairy tales don't exist.
We continued to write and call each other after that. School had started again. And for awhile everything continued on. And somewhere along the lines it all went wrong. Just as quickly as the greatest romance of all time had started, it had ended. I don't know if it was over after the dance, but it was over. Though we went on lying. Throwing the L word out like it was a baseball, picking out future plans and all the while smiling. I guess it was so perfect (at one point) that neither of us wanted to let go and admit the truth. At the time it was baffling why this romance straight out of any novel was fading, but soon it would be clear.
She had been cheating. She had been for awhile and it wouldn't be the last time. In fact, it will play a pivotal role several times through out these stories. Always the same person. I guess we all have our kyrptonite and this was hers.
To be brutally honest about what comes next what I did was wrong. And I deserved every bit of the hell it brought upon me. While the flashing yellow caution light was flashing, I had tricked my self to be happy. I guess I must have known somewhere in the back of my mind that the walls of my world were crumbling.
For awhile I tried to ignore it. Tell myself it wasn't real. To say nothing was wrong. But it was all lies and despite the words not changing the way in which they were said was evident. The cold shoulder and the fact that it had been awhile since we had seen each other led me astray. I should have manned up and gotten out of the relationship, but there was a part of me that couldn't let go.There was a part of me that hoped it would all go back to how it was.
It was hard to see each other and even phone conversations had become weekly instead of daily. I was alone and growing more lonely everyday. In school while I had lots of acquaintances I had few friends. I refused to comply and compromise my morales and beliefs to fit into one group. I wouldn't pretend to be something I was not, I was the lone wolf that went his own way and did his own things. If others followed great, if not that was fine too. And while many groups accepted me, I fit in none. Usually, that was fine. But I had been so close to this girl and now less and less.
I was in my Junior year and when a group of nice fellow outcast Sophomores came along I joined up and we set off on many adventures together. I became close friends with many of them. We almost always ate together, were seen together between classes and often did things outside of class. And so when our school homecoming dance happened we all decided to go together (since my girl could not/would not make the trip). By now most of the groups had coupled up as so often happens in high school. It grew on me seeing all the love that these couples could share in person everyday. I wanted that, but respected my status. This is important to note so you know I wasn't looking for what happened next to happen.
We decided to make a day out of the event. Lunch,a hay ride, and then the dance. We never got on the hayride as our group planner managed to screw something up. So we walked around awhile and then visited one of our sick friends in the hospital. Then we went to a local Mexican restaurant , called the Blind Duck, and ate. It was here one of the group revealed a problem. This guy would be at the dance and he would harass her and she was afraid he would do something forceful and bad to her. She didn't want to deal with this drama and thought she shouldn't have to.She was deciding she wouldn't go. Being the nice guy hero I am and the only other person without a date there I just smiled and said well just tell them your with me. We'll go together and hang out. Now, as bad as that sounds... I meant it harmlessly. I meant she would just say it and we would hang out as friends. She took it that way, but the group somehow had turned my innocent help into a date. I'm sure they had the best of intentions and for some reason I wasn't protesting. A part of me was looking forward to spending time with a girl that was here, in my town that I could see all the time.
Now I should have done the honest thing and been upfront with them both. But I was young and foolish. And my mind justified nothing had happened between the local girl and I and so there wasn't anything to tell. And besides I wouldn't hear from the other girl for several days, phone calls were sometimes weekly, sometimes less, but often longer. That in itself should have been a red flag.
So that night this girl and I danced and as magical as my last dance had been, this one was a dance from a Disney Fairy tale. Everything was flowing smoothly with us dancing. It felt like we were at a royal ball and the spot light was on us and everyone was watching and as our feet magically left the floor.. It felt so right. And when the dance was over I went home so confused.
I was torn between two girls I liked/loved/romanced over. Every time I would decide I would talk to the one I was set to break up with and all the feelings poured back in. In hindsight with the orginal girl I think it was more dreams of what had been. And soon I would come to realize just that.
The local girl and I were a hot couple and often I literally forgot everything around me. One day she was walking home from school, so I said I walked her. I never thought twice about it. Everything else in that moment was gone. It was just her and I. Halfway home my mom drove up and told me that I had promised to make up a test after school. I looked at my mom failing to understand her. It literally took me a few seconds to snap back into reality. And had my mom not forced me to go, I would have blown off everything to walk her home, as I had done so many other times.
She was in band and although I was not for some reason the band teacher liked me and often let me tag along on the things they did and occasionally I'd help out to keep things even. And while this is a different story, I was torn and I was severely miserable, I didn't like lying and I knew I was going to hurt someone I cared deeply for. So I decided that there was only one thing to do. Confess the truth to the local girl that while she and I were dating I had technically never broken up with my old girl friend. I went to the store that night and got a teddy bear and roses and I was ready to throw myself upon her mercy. I was set to do just that, but it was too late.I would find out something truly sick later on. She didn't mind that I had "cheated", she minded that someone (WRONGFULLY) had told her she looked like the other girl. So many times I wish I could have told her that was not the case, that it was only something so strong as what we felt that could have drove me away from the other. That on that day I was set to tell the truth and be hers. But, I would never get that chance.
So, miserable and devastated I did the only thing I could. I held on to my other girl tighter and tried to fix the things that were wrong. She came back up here for a dance and met the group (minus the local group) and my somewhat estranged friends were nice enough to her. And so we went on.
Things at time seemed to get better and we had even talked of getting married and I had even asked for her hand, but her parents had grown weary of her being in a serious relationships and somewhat rightfully they questioned how two people so young and full of dreams could make it. Though, I think no matter what they would have said no. They weren't ready to give up their daughter.
So now the relationship between her parents and l was strained. But we were bound and determined.
Until a cold day in February. I'm not sure if it was cold because of the temperature or what happened. February 17th was the exact day.I know it well because it was my birthday. That was the day my whole world crashed down. I was more in love then ever, but apparently the feeling wasn't fully returned. For you see while she had broken up with her boyfriend at camp, they had also been back together for quite a while. There was a report made on them getting hot and steamy out on a nearly deserted road near the local airport. The cops nicely knocked on the steamy windows. It seems as though it hadn't mattered much what I had done in the past. For she had been cheating on me from almost the beginning. Since a month after the dance and all the times I went to see her, she was lying and cheating . And that was that...Happy Birthday me.
I can't honestly say I didn't deserve it. I can't honestly say I didn't get what I deserved, maybe I did. But everything crashed down just the same. I felt remorse for what I did. She didn't seem to feel much remorse. Though later she would tell me she had tried to be loyal, but she just couldn't. She was too young and blah blah blah. And that would be the last time we talked for quite a while. I hung up turned around and smashed my hand through two inches of heavy duty display glass. It came crashing down and I was very lucky all I got was a scar on the bottom of my hand. I never let me emotions out like that again.
Things went downhill from here. I was depressed. And while a few times I managed to get my life somewhat level, her memory, the memory of us and all we had planned haunted me day and night. I finally took a hiatus from college which is just as well because by then I was mostly drinking and the studying took a back seat. Her memory haunted me. When I fell asleep I dreamed of her and when I was awake I thought of her. I tried hard to get over her. But I couldn't. I thought I'd go crazy. I secluded my self from life only occasionally giving myself some contact via the internet and sometimes my one local friend who tried very hard not to give up on me. In that moment the past was gone, the present wrecked and there was no way to move on into the future. I didn't know what to do.
Then two years to the date, February 17th, 1997 I got a phone call. And it began. Again......
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